10 posts tagged “mental issues”
Yeah, it's sort of is. My husband and I both lost our jobs within days of each other. My ex boss pretty much said that I had a shitty attitude at work and my attendance was poor. However, I had Doctor's notes and what not, and though I can't excuse a lot of absences, I can truly honestly say that I did my best to keep my attitude so upbeat at work. I know who he is talking about though, Amy being someone who I just cannot stand because of her mopiness and she was probably the one who told him that I'm a horrible person to work with.
I really don't care. I'm at my end. I don't know what to do and honestly, I don't have much motivation to keep on going. Every other second I want to burst into tears and it may be that I just don't feel like there's much worth or use left in me anymore.
Gah. Fuck this shit.
I want to slice my wrists open and go to sleep.
Iron & Wine - Lion's Mane
I talked to my parents. I told them everything. I exploded on them. I think I may have put too much things on them at once. I also talked to my grandmother and told her MOST of it. I feel so much better that I don't have to keep secrets. I feel like I don't have to hide around things and that I don't have to lie about my cuts and scratches.
Architecture In Helsinki - It's5
So, Mini and I got our problems worked out somewhat. At least to the point where I don't have to feel like I have to cry about it everytime I think about it. I'm still going to the hospital tomorrow, at least I think so. My parents want me to go, and I think that I would benefit from a couple day's stay. However, I am at a conflict. Fuck, my whole life is at a conflict.
Jenny Lewis - Happy
The Rabbit Fur Coat album is very depressing. But it seems like it's very apropos to my current situation.
My grandfather died. I mentioned this before, I know. I didn't know him very well, but I feel for my dad who feels that he didn't get to see his father's last years. And he doesn't plan on missing his mom's. He's going to go see her in Mexico sometime. I don't know when... but I do know that he doesn't want to put it off. My grandfather dying on the 8th and my other grandfather's birthday was on the 9th. Weird, huh? Funny how life works that way. I hope everyone at my mom's house is okay. Especially after I told them everything that I did.
Sigh.
My face is on fire.
<3 R
Rilo Kiley - Does He Love You?
I'm going through another breakdown. Many things are going on. And many things have been brought to the surface from the past that I had been trying to subdue. But I can't anymore. I may be going to the hospital tomorrow to get committed. I need it. I'm scared of what I may do to myself or to someone else. The other night, I beat the shit out of my face, cut up my legs, and wanted to do worse. I wish that I knew what the fuck was going on with me. I wish I did. My therapist seems to think that I've been misdiagnosed. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, but now she may think that I have schizophrenia. That's some scary shit. I'm going to try to do the best that I can with what I have been given. I know that I can't hide this hospital visit from my parents. I'm sure my brother will let them know for me, but I'm scared. My grandfather just died on my dad's side, and I don't think that they need this in addition to what is already going on.
Andrew Bird - 11:11
Juan tells me not to worry about that and not to think about that sort of thing. That they need to know and that they need to be able to help me out. I just don't want to worry them further. Michelle (Mini) said that I was manipulative and a liar. I don't know what I did to make her think so, but I am just in complete shock. I love her and would do anything for her and I don't know why suddenly this came up. Apparently I am just a terrible friend. Tanya told me something similar, well she used the word asshole, awhile ago. I suck. Sigh.
AC/DC - If You Want Blood
That's all for now. Maybe more later, depending on what is going on.
The new theme that I set up reminds me out of something from The Great Gatsby. It's so pretty, I want it as a painting. Maybe that will inspire me to draw something like that soon. The Depakote seems to be working, I don't have nearly as wild mood swings, but the depression seems to be worse, like the Paxil is not doing its job. So, I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist the next time I go in there. I have some weird inner ear infection type thing going on, and I randomly tip over or feel like I'm going to. And my chest hurts from the asthma and bronchitis. I have bad headaches. Basically, I'm falling apart.
Anybody want to trade bodies for a week?
You know what song always makes me happy? "Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" by Simon & Garfunkel. I mean seriously, you can't listen to that song and not move your head or tap your foot. I dare you to be unhappy while listening to it!
Anyway, I skipped work yesterday and today due to the not feeling well. I have a doctor's note though, so it's okay! But still... I'm sure that my boss is getting sick of me being gone so often. I wish he would have hired Desiree back, she knew what she was doing and she REALLY needed the job. He didn't hire her because she was gone quite a bit, and it's true, but still... I miss her and she did her job well.
I'm thinking of going into hibernation so that nobody talks to me or sees me.
Perhaps I will go back to the mental health hospital.
<3 R
I have this list of things that I have to talk to my psychiatrist about. Basically how different my moods are and when they strike me and the things that set them off and the things that I use to cope with them. So... today was filled with ANGER ANGER ANGER!!!
I don't know how to cope with it, except with drugs. I ate valium and coffee like nobody's business. I focused all my attention on addressing holiday cards (my plan is to have them all done before Thanksgiving) for our 500+ clients. man, do those cards look great. I hate the fact that my boss is SO right wing Christian type guy that we don't even have HOLIDAY cards, they all say MERRY CHRISTMAS. What about the jews?? What about the Kwanzaaites?
I realize that Sioux Falls is basically almost all Christian, but that's horseshit. This year, I can't wait for my Christmas/Hanukkah presents.
Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever seen a ghost?
Submitted by Nancy.
The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
I don't know whether I have seen a ghost or not. But I believe that they are most definitely real and that they exist. The hardest thing about ghosts to me is deciding whether they are spirits of loved ones that have passed away or evil demons that have stopped by to teach you a thing or two.
When I was younger I always thought that I saw three figments in my room. Two very large ones and a little one that liked to pull the covers off me. To this day, I worry that I will see them again, and I used to as recently as three years ago... but haven't for quite awhile. I wonder if it's related to the bipolar disorder and they were just hallucinations, or if there was things that were really haunting me.
either way, it was creeepyyyy
Recently: I have been so worried about my mental status and my energy and my emotions and MY LIFE that I haven't had time to think of anyone else. I have been a horrible self absorbed person, and I hope that it stops soon. I called my dad today and asked him how my grandfather was doing. He had a diabetes-related stroke and now can't talk or walk, but he is eating good and hanging in there. My dad is so sad and stressed, and I have been nothing but another source of stress for him. I will try my hardest to stop being so self absorbed and try to focus on the other people in my life that matter to me.
Hopefully: I will continue my medications and I will regain some sort of sanity. I have been having terrible headaches and body aches. It's Wednesday. it's Chinese food and LOST day. That's what we do.
I will write more later, I thought I had more to say, but apparently not so much.
What are your plans for the weekend?
Current Music: Silver Jews - "Sleeping Is The Only Love"
Current Mood: Headachey
Today, Rob and I went to Mitchell, SD and went to the store Cabela's. His mom gave him a gift certificate for 300 bucks to buy a winter coat and boots. We found a really nice coat, but there were no boots that he liked, so we didn't get any. He will probably look online. When we got home, I had a really bad headache to I slep for a few hours. It's now 730 and I have no idea what we will be doing now. We gotta get something for dinner, but I don't know what. He's making me choose, I hate that.
Tomorrow, I have to go to my mom's for awhile. She apparently needs to talk to be badly and didn't want Rob around when she did. That makes me really really nervous, but I am not going to worry about what it is that she's talking to me about becuase I am done with that sort of thing. I am only going to worry about things that make me happy, and what they think about my relationships isn't going to stop me from doing what I want to do.
That is it for my weekend. I work on Monday and Tuesday and have Wed and Thurs off. I'm not sure if I want to work a half day on Wed yet or not. I should for a paycheque's sake, but I don't really want to. My medicines have been changed. I'm no longer on the Trileptal and have been put on Depakote. I have only taken it once right now so I can't tell how it's making me feel. I'll know more as the week goes on. My psychiatrist also upped my Paxil to 80 mg. She wanders if I'm scratching at myself and thinking of suicide. I'm like, "I CUT myself and Yes I do" Ugh.
More later
<3 R
Does that make sense at all? I sit sometimes at night whether it's with Rob or by myself, and I feel like I'm in a trance. I watch something off in the difference, the carpet, the dog, or even the television without actually SEEING the television/dog whatever. And it makes me feel like I'm out of my body, like I'm not even feeling or seeing everything or anything around me. I watch my friends hang out and kid around with each other and before I know it I'm in a deep depression that I can't stop. I feel it coming on and I know that it's there to stay for the rest of the night. I never know what it is that causes it and I never know what it is that brings it on. Everyone else is having a blast, and I'm sitting here drowning in my own misery. Gah.
How do I snap myself out of it? Usually it's through self injury, as awful as that sounds. A pain that is real and tangible, I can place. I can deal with and I can work with it. A pain that is emotional and surreal, I don't know where to even begin to figure out. My heart hurts, my chest tightens, and I feel like I'm being suffocated. No one understands this. No one knows that I'm not trying to hurt myself, I'm only trying to free my emotions and feelings. I know that anyone who reads that and doesn't know what is going on, just thinks that I'm more crazy that I have been. But in reality, I feel saner after doing it.
Do I want to stop doing it? Yes. I want to stop hurting myself physically and emotionally. I want to feel happy and I want to be able to control my emotions without the need for physical pain. How do I get to the point? A-ha... that's the tricky part. I don't know. I'm seeking help, I'm going to therapy, I have psychiatrists appointments and I am on drugs. A number of drugs that I feel DO NOT HELP AT ALL. In the meantime, I try to keep the injuries superficial and easy to heal. The pain that I feel everytime someone accidentally touches them, reminds me of why I need to stop. Because in the end, it's not helpful, it's hurtful.
-R
During my hospital stay (behavioural health center type place), I kept hearing the same song over and over in my mind. And I wondered to myself if that meant I was crazy. Like, I could hear it clearly as if someone put headphones over my ears. However, I didn't get my iPod until the 2nd night there and it ran out of batteries almost right away. And I didn't even hear that song, but it kept playing over and over in my head. I wonder what this could mean. Does it mean that I'm crazy or that I have a tiny radio transmitter in my head?
I played King's Corner with two schizophrenic people. One of whom REFUSED that she was schizophrenic, but that her boyfriend had drugged her by injected drugs into her brain and that's why she was so fucked up and that he put a listening device in her head so that he could hear EVERYTHING she told her psychiatrists. I didn't know what to say but to say, Yep yep yep, and she's like "You've heard of it happening? you're kidding me! Has anyone ever done this to you? Have you ever pissed anyone off?" And the other schizophrenic guy was just REALLY drugged up, and could barely keep his eyes open. Poor Brad, he was there for three weeks already and didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon. Also, he spent all day sleeping. So did I, though. If I could have, I could have Rob there, I would have spent more time. And then Lola & Sammich would liven things up too. I wonder if they can do therapy dogs type stuff there.
I'll have to look into that.
Ever since I started taking my TRILEPTAL I have noticed that my attention span has gotten worse. Now, give this a thought, I had shitty attention span from the getgo what with my ADHD and other mental issues. But now I find myself spacing out randomly and just staring at like the floor or my nails or whtaever. FUCKED UP. I wonder if that will go away or what. I have to call on Monday and make an appointment with my psychiatrists for a few weeks and see her then.
Okay, this is long enough. More later, I'm sure.
