5 posts tagged “life”

It seems weird that every year around this time, an unusual amount of people from my past seem to pop out of nowhere.  Hmm.  I got text messages from Joseph, who of course was drunk while he was texting me.  He seems to think that I'm "something that should have been done six years ago."  I pointed out the fact that he only texts me when he's drunk and that he only talks to me that way.  I pointed out how rude and disrespectful it is to talk to me, he called me self righteous and said that I was being rude to HIM.  I told him that he didn't care about me, and had just been wanting ass now.  It pisses me off because him and I had a wonderful friendship.  We were best friends in the year 2000 and I was so in love with him for a long time.  He had his opportunity and things didn't work out, so I figure that's that.  He's also much older than me, I'm 24 and he is now 33.  I don't think we were ever on the same plane, but if we were, we completely missed our chances and thats the end of that.  I told him not to contact me anymore and that was both something I needed to say and something very painful to say.

The other person that just randomly popped out was Jed.  I had said my final goodbyes to my emotions about him, and I certainly don't feel that way for him anymore.  I did when I was in an unsatisfactory relationship, but now I just want his friendship again.  He was a great friend and one day he told me that because of his wife, he was going to basically cut me out of his life.  We hadn't talked for months and months.  Then out of nowhere I get an email from him saying that he wasn't sure where we stood and whether it was okay to talk to me or not.  I said of course it is, I would still like to be your friend.  I miss him, that's for sure, but it's nowhere near the same thing anymore.  And what's so annoying about THAT friendship is that he seems to seek me out the most when him and his wife are having problems.  Almost like I'm being the backup girl.  Like, hey if things don't work out between me and her, Rocio is always there.  Sigh.  I doubt thats really the nature of our friendship, but for a long time that's how I felt.

I'm very happy and very satisfied with my relationship with Rob.  We get along so well and we like each other.  I have never had a boy that I actually want to spend a lot of time with, that I want to cuddle with, and just enjoy his company.  We compliment each other very wonderfully.  I love him to death.  And I can't imagine what life would be like without him.  I have honestly never felt this way about anyone before.  Him and I are going to be an unstoppable couple.  At one point, Jed had said that if we were ever together that would be us.  I disagree, I think that everything in life is meant to be a certain way.  Not ALL of our decisions are pre-determined, but some of them are just there and happiness IS guaranteed with them.

Sigh.  This is a long ass post.  I just woke up and felt like I needed to write.

God bless AMERICA.

<3 Ro

Cat Power - Paths of Victory

Work today was okay.  I was dreading it because we had freezing rain all last night and I knew that most of our appointments and surgeries were not going to show up today and that we'd have a cranky doctor and a lot of time to find useless meaningless things to do.  He made me do inventory.  LUCKILY - Rob stopped in because they were just up the road at Hollywood Video and he stayed with me for three hours and helped me do inventory.  How sweet is my man?  :)  He counted so many pills, I thank him so much. 

I have been realizing lately how lucky I am to have him.  I know that things are shitty at times, and I know that sometimes I will find myself regretting things I do EVEN IF my motto is not to regret.  I have to focus on the present and the future, not the past.  Remember, that is things that cannot be changed no matter how hard we try to think we can.  Let's just stick to ENJOYING the present.

My mum has mentioned Rob and I moving to Rock Valley, IA or Hull, IA and renting a house or even buying a house.  There's a place that is looking for a graphic designer and my aunt knows the owner very well.  And she says that Rob could work at a place where they laser cut pieces of metal.  The whole idea sounds so appealing to me, no matter how much I hate small towns and how much I don't want to live there.  It would be great to get everything stable.

The Strokes - When It Started

My dream really was to move to Minneapolis or some city like that sometime soon.  Somewhere that would have lots of concerts and a CULTURE and things to do that don't have to do with agriculture.  And where they may have gay people and black people and other Latinos and maybe museums!  That's what I want.  I want to go back to NY.  SIGH.

Andrew Bird - Weather Systems

Whatever.  We don't always get what we want, but you will find that you always get what you need.  Or something like that?

<3 Ro

What's your favorite vacation destination?

There are different times in my life where different things appeal to me.  Currently, I would love to go anywhere that is kind of chilly and mountainy.  Such as Colorado or Oregon.  And maybe Washington or Alaska.  Something like that.  I was all about cities the last few years so Chicago, Minneapolis, and New York were really attractive to me and I did a lot of cool stuff there.

I went to Orlando, FL three years ago this October.  It feels like just yesterday, and while I would like to go back, I don't know if it's really somewhere I'd like to spend an entire vacation again.  It's a so so place.  But you gotta do all the touristy things, ya know?

<3 R

What's up?

I'm not putting any tags on this one because there's no reason to.  Well, I will but I'm not tagging it with QOTD or the subject because honestly, this is the gayest question of the day ever.

So, nothing is up right now.  My family, 4 yr old cousin, and Anthony are here.  We had dinner with my grandparents, my little sister, and my great-uncle.  It was really nice to have my entire family together, but I get crap about Anthony and me not being together.  So I had said to Anthony, "Oh you look handsome today!"  And my grandmother immediately assumes that we're getting back together and that things are fine.  Also, my grandma says "Your grandfather said that he's happy to see you two together because he was starting to think things."  And so I say to her, "I'm his best friend, he's mine, and we're always going to be close, but we're never getting back together."  I hate that I have to make sure that I say that sort of thing EVERY time I even talk to Anthony because they just ASSUME things.

I wish that Rob was more willing to meet my family.  My mom asked me about him and I said that he was a friend and that he was coming up and staying with us next weekend.  And she said "Do you know him?" I said, "Uh, yeah."  LIke it was a really dumb question and she told me to be careful.  And I didn't say anything, but it makes me kind of sad to keep him a secret and it makes me sad that it will be a long time before we can continue our relationship.  I refuse to do so until he meets my family and I know that things between him and them will be okay.  I guess I'm an old fashioned girl... they mean a lot to me and that's the way things will be.

So... yeah.  Now my family and Anthony are still here, but I just want to be alone.  I know that's a terrible thing to say, especially since I'm alone all the time.  I kind of want my parents to stay overnight, but if they do, Anthony will leave, and if they go, then Ant will stay.  Why can't they all just go or stay or not put me in the middle?  I don't know.

I'm confused.

<3 Ro

What's your motto?

It always was "Live for life, not regret."  So, do everything and don't ever regret it.  Because after all, we've only got so much time on this heart.  So whether we feel happy or sad, we should feel SOMETHING, we should LIVE LIFE. 

This was my motto through high school and college, however since then life kind of took a plummeting drop for me.  I got very depressed and had severe panic attacks from time to time.  I've attempted to kill myself more than I should... and I still constantly think about it.  I cut myself to make sure that I can still feel pain, to remind myself that I am alive and that my life hangs from a thread and I'm holding scissors opened and ready.

I'm working towards getting my attitude back up there, but sometimes life is hard for me.  I know that it's hard for everyone, but I just feel that it's too hard for ME to handle.  I don't know why.

Anyway, that's my motto and it will always be.  I want a tattoo with that writing somewhere on me someday.  The word that I would first get would be "bittersweet" in a cool font between my shoulder blades because that's what my life has been so far.  Bittersweet.

<3 R