8 posts tagged “depression”
I saw this video on neatorama.com - which is a website I visit DAILY - and I could not stop laughing, mostly because the lady was laughing too. Check it out.
http://www.neatorama.com/2007/05/15/funniest-911-call-ever/
I had a lot to write about, at least I did on my way home from my mom's yesterday, but I don't any longer. I'm going to start going to temple, I'm going to start giving my heart back to God, and I'm going to start trying to live my life in a positive light. I would not stop crying all the way from my mom's. It was terrible. Then we almost hit a deer. It sucked.
I miss Anthony a lot. And that's what has been making me cry the most recently. Sometimes, I hate to say this, I feel that I made a mistake. However, I know that for his sake and my own, we were better off separate. I love Rob, I do, but sometimes his negative attitude and the fact that he's not always the nicest person to other people, make me miss Ant's loving and fun attitude. Then I just have to remind myself of all the reasons that we didn't work out. I love you, Ant, always will. :)
Lola seems like she's sick. I hope she's okay. Sammich had bright pink eyes last night and I was worried, but I put some eye drops in and then today they seem better. Thank goodness, after getting fired, I don't need any more issues popping up.
Okay, more later. :)
Yeah, it's sort of is. My husband and I both lost our jobs within days of each other. My ex boss pretty much said that I had a shitty attitude at work and my attendance was poor. However, I had Doctor's notes and what not, and though I can't excuse a lot of absences, I can truly honestly say that I did my best to keep my attitude so upbeat at work. I know who he is talking about though, Amy being someone who I just cannot stand because of her mopiness and she was probably the one who told him that I'm a horrible person to work with.
I really don't care. I'm at my end. I don't know what to do and honestly, I don't have much motivation to keep on going. Every other second I want to burst into tears and it may be that I just don't feel like there's much worth or use left in me anymore.
Gah. Fuck this shit.
I want to slice my wrists open and go to sleep.
I talked to Anthony today, I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. Everytime I look at Lola it reminds me of him!
Anyway, he told me that he found out about me getting married etc. I was sad because I didn't want him to hear it from someone who randomly reads my journal, but oh well. I mean, he said he was upset for like five minutes and then he was okay. That means things are going well for him, doesn't it?
Today...
* I had to help people that spoke only Spanish. Their little cockatiel was injured and I had to do the whole translation thing. I didn't realize how poor my Spanish was until today.
* My boss was going to give a 2 week notice to an employee that I'm sort of sad to see go. She was just starting to come around.
* I wish I had more motivation.
* I found a ring that is both affordable, beautiful, and a real diamond! :)
* I am going to be happy, dammit. :) And I'm going to try to get to Harold's before they close and get some pictures developed.
* I will not worry about money.
Tomorrow...
* My mum and dad are coming up to SF. They are picking up their Schnauzers and taking me to Sam's Club to shop.
* My hair is getting chopped off, finally!
* My ferret may get his shots.
* I may not cry.
Iron & Wine - Lion's Mane
I talked to my parents. I told them everything. I exploded on them. I think I may have put too much things on them at once. I also talked to my grandmother and told her MOST of it. I feel so much better that I don't have to keep secrets. I feel like I don't have to hide around things and that I don't have to lie about my cuts and scratches.
Architecture In Helsinki - It's5
So, Mini and I got our problems worked out somewhat. At least to the point where I don't have to feel like I have to cry about it everytime I think about it. I'm still going to the hospital tomorrow, at least I think so. My parents want me to go, and I think that I would benefit from a couple day's stay. However, I am at a conflict. Fuck, my whole life is at a conflict.
Jenny Lewis - Happy
The Rabbit Fur Coat album is very depressing. But it seems like it's very apropos to my current situation.
My grandfather died. I mentioned this before, I know. I didn't know him very well, but I feel for my dad who feels that he didn't get to see his father's last years. And he doesn't plan on missing his mom's. He's going to go see her in Mexico sometime. I don't know when... but I do know that he doesn't want to put it off. My grandfather dying on the 8th and my other grandfather's birthday was on the 9th. Weird, huh? Funny how life works that way. I hope everyone at my mom's house is okay. Especially after I told them everything that I did.
Sigh.
My face is on fire.
<3 R
During my hospital stay (behavioural health center type place), I kept hearing the same song over and over in my mind. And I wondered to myself if that meant I was crazy. Like, I could hear it clearly as if someone put headphones over my ears. However, I didn't get my iPod until the 2nd night there and it ran out of batteries almost right away. And I didn't even hear that song, but it kept playing over and over in my head. I wonder what this could mean. Does it mean that I'm crazy or that I have a tiny radio transmitter in my head?
I played King's Corner with two schizophrenic people. One of whom REFUSED that she was schizophrenic, but that her boyfriend had drugged her by injected drugs into her brain and that's why she was so fucked up and that he put a listening device in her head so that he could hear EVERYTHING she told her psychiatrists. I didn't know what to say but to say, Yep yep yep, and she's like "You've heard of it happening? you're kidding me! Has anyone ever done this to you? Have you ever pissed anyone off?" And the other schizophrenic guy was just REALLY drugged up, and could barely keep his eyes open. Poor Brad, he was there for three weeks already and didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon. Also, he spent all day sleeping. So did I, though. If I could have, I could have Rob there, I would have spent more time. And then Lola & Sammich would liven things up too. I wonder if they can do therapy dogs type stuff there.
I'll have to look into that.
Ever since I started taking my TRILEPTAL I have noticed that my attention span has gotten worse. Now, give this a thought, I had shitty attention span from the getgo what with my ADHD and other mental issues. But now I find myself spacing out randomly and just staring at like the floor or my nails or whtaever. FUCKED UP. I wonder if that will go away or what. I have to call on Monday and make an appointment with my psychiatrists for a few weeks and see her then.
Okay, this is long enough. More later, I'm sure.
Winters warm where you and i
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
You and I
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did
So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that i should
That I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went
So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this
I wonder why I am listening to "Love Love Love" by the Mountain Goats everytime that I'm updating this blog. Hmm...
I don't know why I'm updating except to say that I was in a funky mood and that I felt like crap. And I wanted to die.
And after talking to Rob for awhile, I realized that I didn't need to die, I just needed to have a panic attack and then relax. Thank you, Robert. *clap hands* and maybe *say yeah*
I don't want to go to work tomorrow because Janelle is off and that leaves me and Amy alone with fucktard and that means that we will make fun of her and want to kill her, and I try not to, but sometimes she makes me want to drive her head through the wall.
ON ANOTHER NOTE - I am not bringing Rob to my parents or to the clinic. So NYAH.
<3 R
What's your motto?
It always was "Live for life, not regret." So, do everything and don't ever regret it. Because after all, we've only got so much time on this heart. So whether we feel happy or sad, we should feel SOMETHING, we should LIVE LIFE.
This was my motto through high school and college, however since then life kind of took a plummeting drop for me. I got very depressed and had severe panic attacks from time to time. I've attempted to kill myself more than I should... and I still constantly think about it. I cut myself to make sure that I can still feel pain, to remind myself that I am alive and that my life hangs from a thread and I'm holding scissors opened and ready.
I'm working towards getting my attitude back up there, but sometimes life is hard for me. I know that it's hard for everyone, but I just feel that it's too hard for ME to handle. I don't know why.
Anyway, that's my motto and it will always be. I want a tattoo with that writing somewhere on me someday. The word that I would first get would be "bittersweet" in a cool font between my shoulder blades because that's what my life has been so far. Bittersweet.
<3 R
